i remember the night of the reelection of bush and remember thinking to myself "i might have lost all faith in america." i understand why they elected him again...to keep the same president to finish what he had started in the middle east. but my family and i knew that he would just continue to destroy our country and sadly, we were right.

i remember just a few days ago, the feeling inside when barrack obama was officially elected our next president of the united states. after 8 years of destruction, 8 years in a dark cave, we finally can see a shimmer of light! listening to obama's words just gave me hope for a new america. obama has so much potential and i just hope he pulls through because if he does, he'll be simply amazing. his presidency will be memorable and historical. my parents called me a few times that night and they kept saying to me "cath, this is history you are watching!" and they are right.

i'm going to end this entry with a few powerful quotes from obama's speech on election night...yes its what i had in my profile so you will most likely recognize it:

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer."

"It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America."

"The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there."

-Barrack Obama

and i can't wait to watch this change unfold. this is history in the making.

before i go into my typical emo ramblings, happy halloween! tonight i'll be swing dancing a good portion of the night in costume and possibly going to another dance party afterwards so i hope tonight is super fun! so before you read on, there will be a more depressing paragraph, but i am actually in a good mood. but anyway, i'm going home this weekend where i will be with some of my favorite people and also to vote for obama and biden <3 which will lead me into my reason to post...

today at the green, there was a rally and biden came to talk. my teachers are stupid and i had class, which i would've missed but i had a calc quiz (which i bombed) that would've been bad to miss. i asked if i could go in then leave and come back but once you were in, you were in. makes sense. tight security and all. so i trudged my way, already 15 minutes late, to chemistry. however, after struggling through the quiz, i walked back to my dorm, but i decided to stay for a moment in the outskirts of the rally.

it was pretty amazing. everyone was captivated with biden's words and when appropiate, cheering. everyone there was united. for the 15 minutes i was there, i was just completely engrossed with his words and the scene around me. i loved it, that feeling of unity all for a cause. change. and i can't wait until saturday where i can vote, and feel officially like i belong here in america. i wish i could've been at the whole rally, but for little i was there, i was touched and i was happy that i was late to lab because of it. =]

so i'm sitting in my dorm, alone as usual. i never thought it would be so hard for me to make friends. i didn't realize the how shy i really was. most of my friends back at home still don't believe me. i haven't seen my closest friends here for pretty much a week or more, except at band. i don't get invited much, probably because i'm far away, or perhaps i am just not included. i'm not mad at anyone for that. i just hope after this weekend, it changes..i want to be a part of a group. i go on facebook and everyone, i mean EVERYONE has a group they can feel comfortable and call their own. i thought i had that but i don't even know sometimes. i have a bunch of friends spread out everywhere but i want a close group of friends, like at home. thats why i love going home...people who love me and care about me. when i walk into the room it's like "oh my gosh, it's cathy!" and i can feel that they are sincere, that they are really happy to see me. i want that here. maybe not that extreme. but i just want to someone to go out of their way to invite me. i mean i guess i do have to make an effort, i had a busy week, so i will next week.. but i can't help but feel that i am the only one who feels like this. i mean, there are people who are shyer than me who have found their group...but why not me? i know this can't last the entire year but everyone has their close friends already, i can't just force my way into a group...who would want to, anyway? i will continue my attempts of optimism...but its hard. there is one person here who has been there for me more than anyone, who genuninely cares for me..and i can't thank him enough. there is also my roommate and a friend across the hall who have also been more than great. and don't get me wrong, i do love the little group of friends i have, i just don't think its completely reciprocated as strongly. you know, if you had to put your friends in order to closest to least closest...they would be much higher up on my list than i would on theirs...and that upsets me. i guess time will tell...

a postive and negative rambling...equals a neutral charge! just kidding...chemistry = life, ahhhh!

again, happy halloween and have an awesome weekend, which if everything goes as planned, i should have one of my best weekends yet. =]

it has finally happened...college. i'm there, finally living the life every high school student dreams of. expectations are high. you have this vision in your head. the independence, the clases, the social life...just everything. everyone has their own vision of what they think college will be like. i know i did. it was quite vivid. my expectations were extremely high. and i hate to say but i think they were too high. at least for the amount of time i've been here.

don't get me wrong, i love college. i love having independence. i mean, honestly, my parents gave me more freedom than most people ever had in highschool. so that part wasn't even that big of a deal. i'm happy i had that independence though, it wasn't such a jump for me. i love the campus here; it's perfect. but there is one thing that still somewhat concerns me and that is (in my opinion) the most important thing in college is my social life (okay i know education is important but happiness is the most important thing and social life greatly affects that). i mean, i know a ton of people. and i have friends, it's not that. i have a couple groups of friends and i like it. but i miss the closeness and comfort of my group of friends at home. i thought i could find that here but i can't help but question it. i have a couple groups of friends, but sometimes i wonder what they think of me and if they think that we are as close as i think we are. i think too much, i know. and i expect WAY too much for my first month and a half of college. but still,  i can't help it. i look at pictures and stuff on facebook and hear stories from people and i can't help but be a little jealous. and a part of me wants to transfer to rutgers because i have a good amount of my great friends there. and i know i would make friends because i can meet people through them. however, i know deep down, i have to give it time. i am happy here. things are actually getting a little better but this is still constantly on the back of mind. i anticipated going to college parties and i still have not been to your typical frat party..i know they are trashy but i would like to go just to see it. =P or just any house party. i've had like..small parties with  my friends once or twice but still. i feel like i don't go out enough. i feel like i am missing something. when i went to allie's dorm at rutgers, in about 5 minutes of being there, i met at least 10 people, all being her friends. she has a group of friends, guys and girls, and they can go to parties and have each others' back. i have a small group and i'm pretty sure they would do that for me, but idk..something isn't completely right yet here and i want it to be right.

so i guess i have to give it time. it has to get better, i know it. it just sucks being shy. i'm happy my mom forced me to do marching band because i have met so many awesome people there. i mean, i never have weekends but it's okay...i think it will be worth it. at least i hope so.

oh yeah one other topic i feel the need to ramble about: my major

i have no idea what i want to do. at all. i have all these interests but i don't know what i want to do as a career or want interests i want to pursue. i'm in animal science because i planned to be a vet all my life but a few years ago i kind of became against that idea. but i figured well i do love animals, so maybe i'll find something else. the possiblity is out there. but my senior year of highschool i developed a new topic of passion: psychology. i miss it. i'm taking sociology and i like it a lot too. but what can i do with a degree in psychology? i don't want to be a psychologist. i know there are other careers out there but i need to research them. i also like genetics a whole lot, but that's a whole lot of science. and really hard stuff. i don't think i want to reserach, which limits me in all of those majors. so what do i do? i want to find a major and fucking love it. i want to know what career i want and enjoy it.

i know a few people who already have their lives planned. they love their major, they already have experience with it and some, even a job with it. and they love it. some know what they are doing after-- they have a job already or exactly know what they want to do in grad school. i'm so jealous, yet so inspired...yet worried. will i get to that point?

so many things on my mind..i can't wait til everything is finally in place.

i look around.  i feel everyone around me has a passion for something. or i can see a passion coming alive in someone, even if its not there quite yet. there are people who are going into a major in which they have a strong passion for. there are others who have hobbies that they have a passion for. passion is blossoming, especially right around this next stage of life.

it's a beautiful thing, really. it makes me smile, seeing these people with passion.

and all i can do is hope. hope one day i too, will have passion for something. when i was younger, i had so much passion for things. even if they were silly, it was still passion. it was compelling. and i want it, so so bad. do i have passion for wanting passion? funny thought.

my life consists of studying pretty much all the time. and trying to get this trumpet solo. i really want it, but i have mad stage fright, so even if somehow i did get it, i'm gonna screw up. i can play how its written fine. but beyer and arena want me to take it up an octave and its hard because i lost my range since now i'm a 2nd/3rd trumpet. ugh. i also have been going to work and the gym when i don't have work. that's my life in a nutshell.

and if i ever have anything worth-while to write about, it's something i can't really say publicly. i've been thinking about things that i shouldn't be thinking about. i wish i was as innocent as i used to be. i wish i could really be want my parents want me to be. alas, i've made too many mistakes and done things that i regret and if my parents knew, they would have a completely different outlook of me. is there still time to redeem myself?

i haven't been eating healthy and its annoying me. i need to drink more water. and i haven't been going to the gym nearly as much as i'd like. why did God make it so hard to look good? or is it that just our standards are so high? nowadays, it takes so much time and dedication, that for some, its nearly impossible. sometimes i just wanna enjoy food and just be lazy. but i feel if you slack one day, you're screwed. ah well...i'm going to push this concern back until after ap tests. i can't let things get in the way. funny thing is, i'll be lucky if i get a 2 or a 3. i don't test well. at all. so its pretty much a waste, except i have to make my parents $160 or so worthwhile.

i felt like i needed an update. really, my life hasn't been that interesting. i just go through the motions. sometimes its better that way.

first off, my college decision is finally made. i am going to university of delaware...and i got a 10k scholarship!! woo-hoo! =] i'm pretty stoked, not gonna lie. my heart was always with delaware and it's amazing that i finally got the money i need to be able to afford it. however, there is a part of me that is sad that i'm not going to go to rutgers. my boyfriend obviously goes there and i can tell he's pretty upset, despite how hard he's trying to be happy for me. so i feel slightly guilty. also, there's a few things i do like about rutgers, but the cons for me outweighed the pros. so i'm taking a chance and going to ud...a place where none of my close friends are going...i'll be on my own to make my own friends, which honestly, i'm completely out of my comfort-zone and very nervous. but i'm willing to try. i mean, if all else fails and somehow i'm miserable, i do have the option to transfer to rutgers. but that is a worse-case scenario situation and i really hope i won't have to do that.

lately, i've become more assertive. it all started at my one visit to delaware. my mom told me to go and talk to people and at first i was like ahh no but later i tried and i was still slightly awkward, but i did it. ever since, i've been doing a lot of things to be more assertive. the whole fact of me going to junior prom was a big step for me. none of my best friends were going..i had a lot of my marching band friends though at least, and i was going with jon, not my usual boy, matt haha. and at first i think we were both a little shy but i was like okay i'm going to just get the ball rolling (or whatever that stupid quote is) and you know, just dance and have fun. so anyway, because i made the first move for most things that night, the night ended up being really fun! i had a great time. i've been doing other small things, but i'm really happy with my progress and i think it will help me a little when i'm at college and completely out of my comfort-zone.

i got a job at pat's. well, i hate doing apps and especially asking for the application and then handing it in. but i convinced myself to do both. when i went to hand my application in, the manager was the person at the front. and i was really nervous but i got hired right there and i start...today at 4! oh gosh. i'm actually pretty nervous. bill told me some stories. i know they are all potheads (besides bill) and they are sexist, supposively. so we'll see how it goes. haha. if i don't like it, i'll at least keep it until i find something better. so we'll see how this goes.

last..and definitely least, ap tests are just around the corner and i'm FREAKING THE HECK OUT. i've never taken one and honestly, i completely regret signing up for them. but now i have to face it and try my best and study like crazy. however, i've been trying to and i seriously have had like no time whatsoever. so i'm getting nervous. i want to do well on at least one of them, preferably both, obviously. i'm going to try to study before work. i think my week is gonna slow down...but i have to see my work schedule first. ahh.

the thought of college has pretty much taken over all aspects of my life. i think about it so much, it's unhealthy.

i'm starting to get super psyched about college. especially delaware. i've been posting on the facebook group and talking to future uders..but i'm not even 100% if i am going to go there. money is an issue. even if my parents say its okay..i feel bad. i don't want me or my parents to be in debt forever. the biggest competition is rutgers. its pretty much $10,000 cheaper (more because i got financial aid but i haven't gotten financial aid yet from delaware so hopefully this changes). another big factor is that rutgers is my comfort zone. i know a lot of people going or that already go there. my boyfriend is there, along with dave and dan. kristen and allie seem to most likely be going there. trina is going there too. i'm trying to force myself out of this comfort zone but what if i can't make friends? if i don't like delaware, i may transfer to rutgers. that is what i seem to be leaning to. because delaware has everything i want...i fell in love with it. i love the atmosphere and the campus. and it's only an hour away from home.

decisions. they are my worst enemy.

i hope i make the right choice..

to my besties:

because i want to try blogging more, i would like to have the option to make a few more personal entries. so i'd like to have the option of going friends only or whatever. well i obviously can't do that if i have no friends on here, hah. so i think you guys should make accounts and maybe we can try blogging again. c'monnnn, it'll be fun!! we can have friends only entries so we can tell each other what's going on in our lives / what's on our minds that's slightly more personal. we need to do these things. at least on my end, and i'm sure on your ends, we don't judge. we shouldn't judge. we've made mistakes, we've done some shitty things. we all have. but i love you guys and i want to be closer to all of you. i want to be able to say i know my best friends inside and out and if we're hiding secrets or scared to come to us, then are we best friends? i know we are and i don't want to ever have to question that, you know? senior year has really made me realize we tend to spend too much time with just a big group rather than some one-on-one time or just some girl time. we're about to go to college!! possibly we might go to the same one, but who knows, probably not. so pretty much i love you guys. no matter what mistakes you've made. no matter what crazy thoughts you've had. no matter how messed up you are in the head. i love every bit of you and i would never change any of you. <3

so i sort of went on a tangent there but i guess i'll bring this full circle. anyway this is one of my crazy, stupid ideas that maybe we can try or that'll fail as usual.  so what do you think?!

i baked a chocolate mousse cake for my daddy from scratch. it was rather complicated. i took my baking to the next level. honestly, i think it was almost perfect. i'm not a fan of chocolate cakes and i honestly enjoyed it. i'm rather pessimistic about things i do but this time i feel pretty confident about it. it's a nice feeling, being confident. it's so rare for me to feel. i feel like each day goes by and i feel like i'm getting uglier and uglier. i used to think i was alright looking but i think i've gone downhill and i'm not sure why. perhaps it's the paleness of my skin or my hair which could use a trim. my face has been breaking out a little bit more so maybe it's that. maybe i need to start wearing makeup to cover my flaws. i feel that i'm one of the girls that when she decides to wear sweats, she looks like a bum, while other girls can wear sweats and look cute. what's happening to me? why do i feel like i'm falling apart? i go to the gym about 5 days a week now and it's still early to see results but i want to so bad. i feel that even when i'm in my best shape (track season), i still don't have that body i'm looking for. there are girls with that lovely flat stomach that i just try so hard to get yet fail miserably. i want to be confident in myself for once. i want to feel good about myself. even with my semi-new-found skills in baking and going to the gym consistently, i still don't. i hope i will someday.

so blogger layouts don't look very nice on mozilla which is the browser i use so i'm giving livejournal a try. i think i'm going to try my shot again at blogging. let's see how long i last this time.